Knife of Change

I secretly hate change.

Yes, I know it can be exciting and at times just plain fantastic. But I’m talking about the change that hurts. The kind that makes your heart give a little shudder and causes it to curl up in a ball and bury itself deep inside your body. Dramatic enough?
Good. Maybe then you can see this picture I’m trying to paint.

Like losing a friend. Why does it seem that the older I get the more I lose my friends? Moving across the country doesn’t help my case but cooooooome on people! There is only so much time without friends a person can take and before they feel their cracking points starting to get deeper.

I realized I lost a friend today.

Weeks ago I suspected this small tragedy but I FORCED myself to look the other way. I pushed the friendship hard and kept hoping it would last. Besides, we’ve been friends for years and have been through hell and back together and stood by each others side when the other person has gone alone. We know the darkest parts of the others life and we know all their quirks and random facts. There is probably no one that knows the other like we know each other. We wouldn’t seriously lose this now would we?
I was wrong and I knew it. But my battered soul was disgustingly desperate that for once,  when someone promised forever and knew the darkest corners of me, would really mean it all and stay to the very end. I’ve been so crushed by the people I held closest this last year it has caused me to be eratic in my emotions and confused in my own thoughts. One moment I’m flying high in the clouds with Sinatra and the next I’m sobbing in the shower. (No, no, I’m not bi-polar, I’m just trying to fix myself. That means some bumpy roads.)

This was someone I would call my best friend. And I still would except the friendship has become one sided and the constant pressure I feel from that is making me sick. I needed them. I really did. But when I couldn’t create the perfect ‘friendship’ things changed and I saw that flicker and I knew things were over. Oh god I wish it hadn’t come to this. They were the last person who was really there for me. And now they are gone. There isn’t anyone to get excited with over something trivial that they would appreciate. There’s no one to tell the mundane daily news to. Or the small exciting things that happen throughout the month. There’s no one to vent to when life goes belly up and I feel lost.
Life dealt me new cards and I drew the ‘Alone’ one, damn it.

Maybe it’s happening for a reason. Maybe I’m getting a life “Spring Cleaning”. But if that’s the case, please, leave me dusty. It’s better than this lost feeling of twirling down a hole with no hand to snatch you at the last moment and rescue you.

I hate change.

I lost a friend to it today, that deadly killer took them. Right from under me.

This is hard and it’s stupid and I HATE that it bothers me and that I allow myself to feel emotion towards it, but I do. (I honestly despise emotions.)
And I hate that there is no one to tell about this besides my computer at midnight and the random following of people on my blog who mostly just follow me so as to bring notice to themselves. Fabulous.  -_-

But also events like this just piss me off. They make me dig in my heels and say, hell no!! Watch me rise up and push pass this ass hat of a problem and make it to the other side stronger and better off than I was before.

So thank you friend. Thank you for the many more lessons you unwillingly taught me. Thank you for the fire under my butt to just keep going. Even if it is alone and even if it does hurt.

But man do I hate change.

 

P.S. I promise to write a happy post soon. 😉

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