We all have dreams.

Everyone has some kind of hope for their future. Or maybe a drawer full of dreams pushed to the side because ‘life’ just isn’t allowing your brightly shining dreams to become reality.

I’ve always been a dreamer. Since I was a little munchkin running around, I would spin these wild tales and tell them to the empty the hair or whisper them to myself to help me fall asleep night. They would be anything from utter crazy (I used to dream that if I wished it hard enough, I would grow wings and be an outcast of the world) or stories born from bursting hopes that I created into colorful visions that came to life with my imagination.
My point is, for years and years I’ve been a dreamer and despite the harsh blows life has dealt my way, somehow I’ve managed to keep that. I may have lost my innocence, my friends, my trust of people, my ability to love easily, or my wide-eye view of the world, but I have not lost my ability to keep on dreaming. And maybe with that I can rebuild the broken pieces of me that have been bumped up a little during all the growing up.

So with that little introduction, I give you a small portion of my life bucket list.
Some things are ridiculous, some so small, others that I might consider impossible most days, and some good old fashioned dreams.

Obviously I can’t sit here and write all of them, but I just want to write some of them out.

  • See a play on Broadway
  • Sky dive in New Zealand
  • Work with newborns in an orphange
  • Send my parents away on a fully paid for vacation
  • Drive myself through fitness training and reach my full potential
  • Travel the world for different rugby tournaments (did I mention I’m a 21 year old, straight, female, playing rugby now? yeah, that’s some news for ya.)
  • Go back to Disney World and ride the Tower of Terror
  • Succeed in my current ‘job’ to the point of having a very free and flexible lifestyle
  • Bar tend for awhile
  • Volunteer at a hospital (almost there!)
  • Have a well known photography blog
  • Buy a brand, spanking, new car
  • Drive through Canada
  • Live in Sitka, Alaska for awhile. Huskies, fur coats, roaring fires, the whole nine yards.
  • Gallop a horse down a beach (whaaaaat? girly moment? no, not at all.)

There’s that.

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Sweet Nothing – Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch

And here. A song to go with my post. Perfection, yes?

 

“Sweet Nothing”

You took my heart and you held it in your mouth
And with a word all my love came rushing out
And every whisper, it’s the worst,
Emptied out by a single word
There is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown
I’m living on such sweet nothing
But I’m tired of hope with nothing to hold
I’m living on such sweet nothing

And it’s hard to learn
And it’s hard to love
When you’re giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You’re giving me such sweet nothing

It isn’t easy for me to let it go
Cause I’ve swallowed every single word
And every whisper, every sigh
Eats away this heart of mine
And there is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown
I’m living on such sweet nothing
But I’m tired of hope with nothing to hold
I’m living on such sweet nothing

And it’s hard to learn
And it’s hard to love
When you’re giving me such sweet nothing
Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You’re giving me such sweet nothing

And it’s not enough to tell me that you care
When we both know the words are empty air
You give me nothing

 

Knife of Change

I secretly hate change.

Yes, I know it can be exciting and at times just plain fantastic. But I’m talking about the change that hurts. The kind that makes your heart give a little shudder and causes it to curl up in a ball and bury itself deep inside your body. Dramatic enough?
Good. Maybe then you can see this picture I’m trying to paint.

Like losing a friend. Why does it seem that the older I get the more I lose my friends? Moving across the country doesn’t help my case but cooooooome on people! There is only so much time without friends a person can take and before they feel their cracking points starting to get deeper.

I realized I lost a friend today.

Weeks ago I suspected this small tragedy but I FORCED myself to look the other way. I pushed the friendship hard and kept hoping it would last. Besides, we’ve been friends for years and have been through hell and back together and stood by each others side when the other person has gone alone. We know the darkest parts of the others life and we know all their quirks and random facts. There is probably no one that knows the other like we know each other. We wouldn’t seriously lose this now would we?
I was wrong and I knew it. But my battered soul was disgustingly desperate that for once,  when someone promised forever and knew the darkest corners of me, would really mean it all and stay to the very end. I’ve been so crushed by the people I held closest this last year it has caused me to be eratic in my emotions and confused in my own thoughts. One moment I’m flying high in the clouds with Sinatra and the next I’m sobbing in the shower. (No, no, I’m not bi-polar, I’m just trying to fix myself. That means some bumpy roads.)

This was someone I would call my best friend. And I still would except the friendship has become one sided and the constant pressure I feel from that is making me sick. I needed them. I really did. But when I couldn’t create the perfect ‘friendship’ things changed and I saw that flicker and I knew things were over. Oh god I wish it hadn’t come to this. They were the last person who was really there for me. And now they are gone. There isn’t anyone to get excited with over something trivial that they would appreciate. There’s no one to tell the mundane daily news to. Or the small exciting things that happen throughout the month. There’s no one to vent to when life goes belly up and I feel lost.
Life dealt me new cards and I drew the ‘Alone’ one, damn it.

Maybe it’s happening for a reason. Maybe I’m getting a life “Spring Cleaning”. But if that’s the case, please, leave me dusty. It’s better than this lost feeling of twirling down a hole with no hand to snatch you at the last moment and rescue you.

I hate change.

I lost a friend to it today, that deadly killer took them. Right from under me.

This is hard and it’s stupid and I HATE that it bothers me and that I allow myself to feel emotion towards it, but I do. (I honestly despise emotions.)
And I hate that there is no one to tell about this besides my computer at midnight and the random following of people on my blog who mostly just follow me so as to bring notice to themselves. Fabulous.  -_-

But also events like this just piss me off. They make me dig in my heels and say, hell no!! Watch me rise up and push pass this ass hat of a problem and make it to the other side stronger and better off than I was before.

So thank you friend. Thank you for the many more lessons you unwillingly taught me. Thank you for the fire under my butt to just keep going. Even if it is alone and even if it does hurt.

But man do I hate change.

 

P.S. I promise to write a happy post soon. 😉

S.C.R.E.A.M.

Scream: Super, Catastrophic, Ridiculous, Explosive……. Screw it. I can’t think of anything that would make that seem even the slightest bit sensible. Wish I could though.

Scream. It’s something I would love to do right now. Alas, I live in a neighborhood where should I step out onto the deck and let rip an ear piercing, blood curdling, stress relieving scream, the cops might be pulling into my driveway shortly after to inquire if anyone has recently been murdered. Ha.
Sometimes you need one good, loud scream to let out all the things you are too frustrated with to put into words.

I feel like an addict.
I need a scream.

This Loneliness

I miss my friends. So much so, the other night I drove around downtown doing nothing, stood in front of the CD’s at WalMart literally just staring for 15 minutes, and burned a 1/4 tank of gas bombing down the freeway with the windows down, screaming to every stupid pop song that came on the radio. There was no one to call and ask to the movies. No friends to attack last minute with a demand for hanging out.
Working from home and living with my family, I’m continually around them. Don’t get me wrong, I adore them to bits and pieces and would do anything for them, but even the best of people can only take so much of something. (and I’m definitely not the best, my friends)

The hurt of missing the people that mean so much to me was so intense I couldn’t even have a girly moment and cry. I just felt numb. Yes, yes, I know they say it can take up to 2 years for you to adjust and fit into a new place, but really….this is NOT my favorite thing about moving. This was one of the main reasons I was so hesitant about giving in to moving all the way across the country and starting over. Living on the east coast was the longest I have ever been in one place. Can you possibly understand the simple joy of stability that brings, living in one place longer than 5 years? Not to mention, I feel too old to try and pull up what little roots I have and start from scratch. It’s true I am such a nomad I get antsy living in one place for more than 2 years, but I was growing used to being in one place and I think I was starting to like it. Now it’s back to picking up and starting over all over again.
And as soon as you hit the high school age, it’s a complete pain in the ass to try and make new friends. Everyone has their little groups, favorite people, and best friends from school. I was home schooled. That makes me the awkward duckling. I don’t have any high school friends to fall back on. I never belonged to any of those kinds of groups. I’m the kid who only lived in one place long enough to barely start fitting in and making friends when my parents would pack us up and plop us somewhere else. I can’t even give you the military brat excuse. My parents just liked moving. Me? I now shudder inwardly at the sight of moving boxes and packing paper.

So can you slightly understand my pain at saying goodbye to all the very best friends I’ve ever made in the place I managed to stay for 8 years? (8 people…that’s a big deal)

I love traveling, I love new places, I love experiencing new things, I love exploring, I love adventures, I love new people.

But good god, I hate being alone again and never having a solid place to call home.

You’re a ghost.

I started this blog to write. Not to show you some creative side (really because there isn’t one), but to let my heart leak onto a place no one will really care about and I can walk away slightly lighter. So here. I’m going to write my heart.

You haunt me every. single. day.

Surely you must know that. Surely you feel the tension pulsing across the thousands of miles between us. You must sense it. You’d be an idiot and fool not to. And while  you can be so very unwise, I know you are no fool.

How is it, despite all the miserable pain and scarring we have caused each other, I miss you? But I tell myself, I miss the idea of you. I would be completely insane to actually miss YOU. Really, how could I? I know that with everything inside you, you hate me. You hate me more than you will ever hate anything in your life. Somehow there is a side of me that is glad for that. It means no awkward meetings between us. It means I don’t have to pretend that every time you talked my heart screamed and pulled at the cage bars.
Not only do you hate me, we were never actually friends those last several months. You never really let me in and when that clicked I started shutting you out. I took the alleys. I kept my shrieking thoughts to myself and hoped that my body would be able to contain them. (has it you ask? No. I am shriveling away. There may be a smile on my face and a laugh upon my lips, but I am shriveling. Look closely, love.)

I miss me. Really. I miss me so bad sometimes I become physically sick and I’m positive someone is going to see the acid boiling and my heart snapping all over again. I miss the girl who didn’t have a string of people behind her who she had hurt one way or another. I miss the girl I was before the dark night where innocence was devoured by a rabid beast and the fragile, once child, left to try and recover. I miss the girl who had no enemies and prided herself in that. The girl who was constantly trying to make sure everyone else was OK before herself.
I miss my friends’  old selves too.

No one is the same and that, more than anything, kills me inside. We all changed so much that it seemed like with a blink of the eye, we had all turned on each other, ripping each other’s lives and hearts apart till we were left in a broken cluster of once close friends, heaving heavily after our manic attacks against the people we once called friends.
You know, after all this, I don’t trust anyone. Whenever I look at someone, I INSTANTLY think, “How will you hurt me? What will you do to rip me apart?” I over analyze everything, everyone says. I dig through their words and wonder what they hide from me that could hurt me.

I’m scared. I’m scared to laugh, I’m scared to tell someone my deepest feelings, I’m scared to make friends, I’m scared to let go of the few old ones. I’m terrified of letting go, mostly because I haven’t the slightest clue how! I am caught in a cage that is half my own making and the walls I built surrounding myself are solid and I only bang against them fruitlessly.
Oh how I wish I could say a lover caused this all. That my heart breaks over some man who left me dragging my useless heart strings me behind me.
But I can’t.
It was a friend.
And that only makes it a million times worse.